Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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