Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
