Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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