Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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