Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
