Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
