I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
