At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
