totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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