Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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