Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
