If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
a search helicopter?!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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