I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
