No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
