Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
