worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
