there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
