This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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