remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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