please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
