Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
