The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
