you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
