if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
