u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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