I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
