If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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