Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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