dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
