You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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