i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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