Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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