how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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