Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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