Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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