i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was confusing and full of hummus
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
