just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
