I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
