When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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