im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
