totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
