she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
