You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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