I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
