I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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