That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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