So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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