$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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