I just saw a hot homeless man
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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