looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
