i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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