dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
