i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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