Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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