i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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