if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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