Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
