dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
