that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
