I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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