she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
