Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
