i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
